My heart is safe in Massachusetts

Hello my lovely souls.

I hope you don’t feel like you’re wandering aimlessly. There is always a lesson within the journey, even if it doesn’t feel like it. I wrote this poem (see below) the first time homesickness really hit me hard. I reread it to myself when the feeling comes back to visit. It reminds me that there was a reason behind my choice to leave. I wanted to grow and to see a bit more of world. Massachusetts may be a small state, but growing up there it felt so large. There seemed like there was no reason to leave until there was one.

The decision to leave home has taught me many lessons and brought a lot of joy to my life. It has taught me that home can have many definitions. I also showed me that I can make friends pretty easily because at the end of the day I’m pretty sure we’re all just looking to connect. I’m sure I can be happy anywhere, but I’m still on the search for the right place. Maybe it’ll even bring me back to Massachusetts. I’m not sure yet.

Travelling has unfortunately made me a long distance daughter, sister, aunt, and friend. This means I frequently wake to 4AM text messages knowing that I have already missed some of their day because of the time difference. I tell them to text me anyways.

It means that I watch my nieces and nephew grow up in pictures and via FaceTime. It also results in random bursts of tears when homesickness hits the heart too hard. Especially when they look bigger than the last picture sent. The little ones just refuse to stop growing.

This is the trade off of travel. I get to see and experience many new places and opportunities, but I miss the small moments at home with the family.

During one of my recent visits home, my mom told me that I was more present than I had been in a long time. Maybe it’s sobriety. Maybe I needed to step away to really show up. I plan to be the best version of myself. I know I’ll find her through travel and adventure. Even though I get sad and miss home, I know I’m on the right path. It’s OKAY to be homesick and question if you’re doing the right thing. I know I do occasionally. The thing that helps me the most is knowing that while I’m away, my heart is safe in Massachusetts

Massachusetts 

I left my heart in Massachusetts

Placed her in the old hope chest my mother keeps at the end of her bed

It’s the home to all the fragile heirlooms

She is locked up airtight

Hidden in the dark

There will be no damage nor tears 

while she is safe

If you look upon her 

You will see the scars others have created while trying to tame the beating beast

She is locked away for safekeeping

Knowing the wreckage came from my allowance

I left my heart in Massachusetts

Her guardians treat her as a treasure

As others have broken in and stolen the gold

She has been mistreated

Trapped within the sweet simplicity of what she knew

I stored her away

All while knocking down the door to let my soul escape

To run into all the possibilities and what ifs

I let my soul guide my feet but it has no sense of direction

The stops we make only add to the aimlessness 

The desire for more

It's a lonely journey when you realize the choices are more than use to be imaginable

My soul is a force that needs no guidance

It dances to the beat of the unheard music

It cares for no other opinion

It seeks happiness when my heart struggled to beat under the pressure of expectations 

She remained behind to recover

To keep a part of me grounded

To remind me of the path back home

I left my heart in Massachusetts

My loved ones watch over her as they have done for all my years

They add pieces of themselves and their new families 

They strengthen the walls and chambers

Filling it with memories and laughter

Knowing that while my soul wanders it also craves their other half

I will return to renewed power and endless love when my heart and souls become one again

Until then my soul will continue to be careless and free

Knowing that my heart is safe in Massachusetts

Do you ever miss summer before it even ends?

Hello my fellow wanderers!

Let’s check in. The summer season is coming to an end and forever in my mind that means a new year is starting. We may not be in school anymore, but September will always seem more like a fresh start than January ever will.

I have been chasing what seemed like an eternal summer for over a year. I successfully avoided the gray days and the colder weather by moving to southern states. This extended summer I’ve created for myself is coming to an end this year as I’ve decided to stay in Seattle until the holidays.

People have asked me frequently, “why did you pick Washington?” I simply moved back north because I missed the color green. That’s it. That’s the reason I ended up in the PNW. I missed the trees, the grass, and the flowers. I missed all the colors the desert lacked. Now, I currently worry the colors will fade as we cross into autumn. The sky will stay gray and I know I’ll then miss the color blue and worry that the color will become my everyday feeling.

How do we avoid a slump between seasons?!

Stay in touch- Make the phone calls to friends and family. Schedule FaceTimes! Create a group chat with the siblings! Whatever works best for you!

Work on your habits - I know my routine struggles during transitional times, like the change of seasons. I always get some sort of cold or some homesickness. It is okay to let your body rest. Just make sure you pick yourself back up and jump back into that routine. It doesn’t matter how many times you have to restart. It just matters that you’re doing it!

Pick a new goal - Mine will be reading 30 minutes a day. (Yes this was also my new years goal which I did not succeed in, but as I mentioned before September is the real new year anyways.)

Lean into the fall season. Buy a new sweater or maybe even a new beanie. You deserve it. You got this! Proud of you already!

Hey Mom and Dad

Thanks for flying across the country and visiting me. You joke that you’re using my traveling to see the country and we always laugh. I smile because I think it’s pretty special that I never have to ask for you to visit. I just know you will. You simply tell me August works best for you and that you’ll see me then. I arrived in Seattle and automatically started to add things to my list of things I wanted to do. I save some just for you.

Leavenworth - the adorable mountain town I’ve been wanting to check out with a great coffee shop along the way

The underground tour of the city - knowing that I get my love of historic tours from you

The rainforest - you say you never mind a long drive (10 hours in the car was a lot.. you never complained) and it sure was magical

You let me take you to my new favorite coffee shop (both of them). Mom, you even tried to take a picture of me outside of it as if it was my first day of school. I wouldn’t let you. I’m sorry. Next time I promise I will.

I know I’m spoiled in a way many are not. I got a whole week with just my parents. You spoiled me with your time. I got hugged everyday by my mom and dad for a full week and I have to say that was my favorite part.

I love you 🤍

So are you seeing someone?

Hello my fellow wandering and sometimes slightly lost souls. Let’s talk about one of the most frequently asked questions. “So are you seeing someone?”

I get this question from my mother, my aunts, my friends, and sometimes strangers. To the adoring strangers, yes I am happily in love (with my life). To my family and friends, simply yes I do date. 

Dating is a great way to meet new people. I always encourage people to put themselves out there. Get on the apps. Talk to the person you’re waiting behind in line at the grocery store. Maybe you’ll find your soulmate. Maybe you find someone you spend a month with and just have some fun ;) Maybe they aren’t your other half but they end up meaning something else to you.

Maybe you meet your sober buddy. The one you call when it seems like no one else would get it.

Maybe you meet someone you and you go on a few adventures together. Then you go your separate ways, but leave with some great memories.

Maybe you meet a girl that loves the same books as you and you just feel seen.  

Dating can be hard when you aren’t ready to stay in one place. When you know that most people will stay and you will leave. It’s hard being the person that says goodbye. Yet, I still do it. I like the connections I make with the people I meet, even if it is for a short time. Maybe I’ll end up finding someone that’ll wander with me.

I don’t know what I’m looking for, but I know I’ll recognize it when it comes. I am a thirty something year old that still has no clue what she wants in her dating life. And that’s OKAY. I figure when it shows up everything will fall into place. Or maybe it won’t.

I’m not on a timeline. I won’t let a biological clock tell me how much time I have left to find love. Right now I’m okay just loving life 🤍

I swear I’m a good nurse ✨

Hello my wandering souls. I recently had a day at work. It was a day like many days in my career. It was busy and my patients were stable, but I walked out of those hospital doors mentally spent. 

I spent most of my shift frustrated. It started at 7am. I was annoyed by the horrible report I received from the previous shift. I was irritated that my usual routine of looking up labs, orders, and reading notes was interrupted by one of my patients clicking away on the call light every other minute. 

I had a very demanding patient that wanted me to reposition them twice an hour (if not more). They would ask me to do something even before I finished the last task they asked me to do. I probably made the statement “ yes I will do that next. I only have two hands” about a hundred times. They did not get the hint. 

I tried my very best to be patient and kind, but internally I was pulling my hair. I had that thought! “I could use a drink after this shift.” 

I admit it! That thought still pops up in my head every once in a while and it’s OKAY. I am not perfect. I went home and ate a bunch of m&ms instead. It hit the spot. 

I talked to my family and asked about their days and vented about my day a bit. I distracted myself with some mindless tv. I found no need to slip into old habits of coping with a frustrating day at work. Just because the thought pops up in your head doesn’t mean it’s something you actually want to do. Maybe it’s an intrusive thought. Maybe it’s just something your brain likes to tell you when you’re irritated. Either way, the habit has been broken. So I will go to bed and start fresh tomorrow with no hangover.

My sober wanders or my fellow frustrated peers - you’re not alone. Tomorrow will be better :)

Witches, Midwives & Nurses

Witches Midwives & Nurses. A History of Women Healers by Barbara Ehrenreich and Deirdre English

The role of the nurse has evolved over the years. As a nurse in current times, I can tell you that there is autonomy in my care. I can choose not to do an intervention a doctor has ordered if I think it will harm my patient. I can question a doctor without fear of being fired. I use my own critical thinking skills to notify the team of a patient’s worsening condition. I work with female doctors, female pharmacists, and female advance practitioners. We as females are present in healthcare. We are pushing for more. Feminism and our standing in the medical field are intertwined. This book goes into detail about women’s history in medicine. It displays how much discrimination we have already overcome. We must continue to fight for further education in female health and female rights. We are part of the long history of witches, midwives, and nurses that have fought to be part of the system. Let’s continue that legacy.

This book starts with our history in Middle Ages and travels through time until Florence Nightingale reconstructed the role of the nurse. It recounts witch hunting, the suppression empirical care and the decline of women’s role in the healthcare system.

It reviews the ups and downs of women’s journey through time. It explains how women had lost their foothold within the organization and temporarily lost their voice to the modernization of medicine. Yet, over the past century women have been slowly regaining their original place as healers and wise women. We must keep this momentum.

In current times it may seem as if we are moving backwards. This just means we must fortify our positions. We must stay strong and present in the ongoing fight for our rights as women.

This is a good, quick read. Def recommend ✅

Dopamine Dressing Explained

Hello hello my fellow wanderers! This week I had 7 days off in a row! It has been truly rejuvenating. No alarm clocks. No scrubs. No mysterious stains on my scrub shirt that I hope is from my lunch and not someone else’s. One week to be me. This week I got to keep my scrubs in the draw. I challenged myself this week to dopamine dress as often as I could.

Dopamine dressing is when one wears clothing that brings joy and elevates your mood. Think of when you are shopping you pass by a dress or a shirt that you feel a pull to. You fall in love with this one object because it triggers happiness. It may be colorful or a cool pattern. Something just pulls you to it. Then it sits in your closet for who knows how long because you have decided there is never an occasion for it. 

Make the occasion for that fun outfit. Be the occasion. You won’t be overdressed. You will be the best dressed because it will bring a smile to that beautiful face of yours.

In nursing school, I would always dress up for exam day. Every test day I would put on a skirt or dress. I wore an outfit that made me feel adorable. My whole thought process was “If I look good, I will feel good, and if I feel good, I will do good” It worked, I aced most of my exams. It could have been my hours of studying that led me to passing the test, but I like to think that dopamine dressing elevated my confidence just enough that pushed me to stick confidently to my answers. 

I am currently reading the book Atomic Habits by James Clear in an attempt to build better habits for myself. (Still a work in progress). He discusses how we must make habits more attractive in order for them to stick. Clear states, “ And whenever dopamine rises, so does your motivation to act. It is the anticipation of a reward - not the fulfillment of it- that gets us to take action.” So take the first step. Spike your dopamine and strut out the door and have a good day. Dress like your true self. It will bring confidence to your life you may not know was missing. If it doesn’t, at least you will look good ;)

Too much time

With a nursing schedule, there are times that you have too much time off. I know what you’re thinking,  “Emily that is crazy talk” The truth is when I have too much time off, I tend to get lazy. At times I feel like a teenage degenerate. I will stay in bed until 11am. Then lounge around until 2pm. Then I will run an errand or go to the gym. After that one activity, I call it a day and get back into my pjs. These days are OKAY to have every once in a while. It is important to give your mind and body time to just rest and relax. Unfortunately, these days can be addicting so it is important to get back into routine.

I have struggled most of my career to develop a routine outside of work. I still do sometimes. As a nurse or shift worker, my schedule is chaotic and always changing. I have never had a set schedule and I probably never will. As a nurse I have 4 days off a week. It tends to be easier to stay occupied when they are separated, but occasionally I will have them all clumped together! Which is great! Most of the time! It is amazing when I have planned a trip or a new project that will keep me busy, but sometimes I forget to plan to keep busy. 

I travel a decent amount and there are times I just want to stay put on my days off. It is essential to keep a routine on these days. Wake up, hit the gym, walk to a coffee shop, read a book. Make a goal on these days off. Make a short list of things you want to accomplish.  It could simply be: clean my apartment, run 3 miles, or check out that cute shop down the street you drive by all the time. Make the time to do the things that are on your mental “ oh I should check that out” list. Maybe take one of those days to take a day trip! Somewhere that is a short drive, but a change of scenery.

Don’t get stuck on the couch. Get outside. Move your body. Feed your mind and soul with something other than doom scrolling.

547 Days

I am sober. Today marks 547 days of no alcohol. 1.5 years of telling people that I’ve quit drinking, yet I still sometimes struggle with it. How do I phrase it in a way that doesn’t prompt questions? Even if someone doesn’t automatically ask “why did you stop drinking? Did you have a problem?” The question can be easily seen in their eyes. They question my past and my character. Maybe I should just say I don’t drink, but sometimes that feels like a lie. I choose not to drink everyday. There is a version of me that wants people to know that I understand the pull of alcohol. That I had excellent taste in wine. That I could hold my own. I would have been their go to drinking buddy in another life. I would be the one staying out late with them just to close down the bar. Maybe it’s because it was something I used to be proud of. Now I’m seeing with clearer eyes. Seeing that I can be so much more without alcohol. 

There is this quote in the book The Naked Mind by Annie Grace. It states, “Alcohol is the only drug on earth you have to justify not taking.” I lived and breathed this quote for my first 6 months of not drinking. This quote blew my mind and opened my eyes. Alcohol is so incredibly normalized and sobriety is stigmatized. Drinking is so ingrained in our society, but alcohol is a drug. As a nurse I’ve seen the negative effects of long term use of alcohol. I’ll just say, it’s not pretty. I’m not here to lecture about drinking. I do believe everything in moderation. I just used to struggle with the moderation part! I'm here to remind you that it’s okay to say no to drinking. To let you know that it’s okay to struggle with it sometimes. It is a decision that is made everyday. My new trick to make healthier decisions is to ask “would the version of you that you want to become make this decision?” Sometimes my lazy self wins out, but most of the time I stick true to self improvement. I’m pretty happy with my decision to remove alcohol from my lifestyle even if I still feel awkward telling people I don’t drink. Maybe it’ll get easier? Maybe it won’t. It’s all part of the journey my friends. ✌️

Should I stay or should I go?!

Friday afternoon, I was asked if I was interested in staying in Seattle for another contract by my recruiter (3 more months, which will put me here until December). It made me take a step back and really think if I could be happy in this new city for essentially half a year. I had absolutely no clue. It felt way too soon to make that decision and it was overwhelming to think that far ahead. I know that in itself sounds ridiculous. You’re probably thinking, “Emily, that is in two short months and it is time to decide.” Changing cities and travel has made my life pretty transient. Especially being a single person, I’m able to make choices freely and independently. I try to make decisions based on how I feel and not on a timeline. My body tends to know when it’s time to leave before my mind does. It gets restless and cranky. Then it takes my brain a week or two to catch up. To realize that it is time to move on. Currently I’m at peace here in Seattle. I feel safe in my new apartment. I’m meeting new people. I’m even adding more onto my adventure to-do list. Yet I still was unsure! I just didn’t have anything yet to keep me here. I also didn’t have anything to say goodbye to yet. Maybe in that simple thought I had made my decision. In each city I live in, I want to leave a part of my heart there. Through travel and sobriety, I have discovered the depth of my love and how far it can stretch. I want to fall in love with each city. Collect more friends to be part of this new second family I’m creating. I want my goodbye to a city to be slightly difficult. I want to feel a goodbye and not simply leave. I want to look back as I go and smile, knowing that I will probably be back someday.

… so I said yes to staying 

Be a tour guide in your new city

Hello fellow wanders! I am writing this post after a long weekend with my bestie. My body is very tired from adventuring, but my soul is happy. There is nothing more healing than quality time with the people you love. It is rare to find when you move to a new city, especially before you have established your community. My love language is quality time which made this weekend even more special and needed. Treasure it when it comes! 

Ask a bestie to come visit when you’ve been settled for a month or so. Maybe just ask your mom. Really, anyone works. It helps to have someone excited to see your new city because it renews your motivation to explore. After a month of being by yourself, you can be tired of trying. A visitor gives you reason to put the effort back into adventuring. Play a horrible tour guide for them. They don’t expect you to know the streets or any of the good restaurants yet. Show the new places you have recently found and try out new things! Take that day trip out of the city you thought was too long of a drive. You have a temporary buddy for the weekend! Take advantage of it! Maybe you’ll convince them to quit their job and come travel with you! Who knows? Possibilities are endless and crazier things have happened. 

Fellow wandering souls, keep your head up. Good things will come your way :)